


under pressure

by Anonymous



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, I'm Sorry, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Self projection, hanbin is mentioned - Freeform, honestly...when aren't my fics some form of self projection, i can't write endings, it does not go into detail, junhoe and yunhyeong is platonic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:29:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26709040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: empty, lost. drowning in his own thoughts, alone.and so he goes to clear his head. work things out.maybe all he needed was a little of supportto let him know he didn't have to do this alone.
Relationships: Goo Junhoe/Song Yunhyeong
Kudos: 2
Collections: Anonymous





	under pressure

**Author's Note:**

> um heed the tag “implied child sexual abuse". it'd implied so idk if u can tell anyways but...just in case :] enjoy!

junhoe watched the sunset at han river sat on a bench, a warm mug in hand and blanket over his shoulders. he knew he'd have to get back soon or his members would ask him to pick up things while he's out. but not yet. not until the sun went down and junhoe couldn't see his reflection in the water.

he had to get away, even if for a little bit. his room felt so suffocating staying inside for too long and he just needed to clear his head of the noise swirling around, constantly bothering him. he'd started to feel his skin crawl whenever he sat on his bed and knew that it was time for another breather.

in truth, junhoe hadn't been feeling well lately. he's lost his ever-growing appetite for the moment and doesn't feel like keeping up his uplifting personality around the members, his jokes losing the bit of shine to them. he hasn't been paying attention much as his mind's been drifting back, back to the time where he was a child and innocent and naive and so, so horribly stupid. sometimes he blames himself, even if he was a kid, because he feels like he should've known better. sometimes he feels like the flashes of scenes he gets and the uncomfortable feelings he gets in his sides out of the blue are because of something he did. he's too busy focusing on those thoughts to realize he was young. to realize it wasn't his fault.

there's that part of him that says it is. the part of him that thinks why me? and the part of him that wishes his abuser would rot in jail the rest of his days. that's never happened and the old guy is dead now. no point in demanding justice from a dead man.

he's snapped out of his thoughts, startled by the sound of his phone ringing. he sees yunhyeong's contact on his phone, the older's silly face making him smile out of pure fondness for his hyung. he admires the photo for a bit longer before he picks up the phone. "hey, hyung."

"june ya, we're eating together today. come back soon?"

junhoe nods and realizes he can't see him. "soon, yeah."

"you okay?"

junhoe went silent.

he couldn't exactly figure out how to answer. it's easy to lie over the phone, since yunhyeong then can't pick up the signs that he really wasn't like he could in person. he was messing with the edges of the blanket. if he lied, yunhyeong would expect him to come home early. junhoe wanted to stay out until it was pitch black to try and center himself (for once in his life).

"i'll save a plate for you. i'll come get you after we eat, okay? stay safe." yunhyeong said, breaking the silence after it went on a little too long for his liking. junhoe could see yunhyeong's sad smile from the other side.

"okay. thank you." junhoe whispered shakily. an "i love you" goes unsaid on both sides. junhoe can't seem to figure out who hung up first.

moments like these make junhoe wonder why he deserves the things he does.

being the group's unofficial poet, you'd think that he would be able to come up with some sort of metaphor for how he's feeling. he's tried, and failed, to think of one over the years. he doesn't have anything he could compare this feeling to and what he feels is that he doesn't appreciate what he has enough. he's unsure of what he brings to the table that is ikon. what _does_ he contribute to his group? to the company? to society? he doesn't feel useless, per say, but out of place? that's the best way he can describe it. out of place because he doesn't know why life has given him so many successes and chances, why they feel so wrong to accept. maybe to balance out his haunting failure when he was younger.

as always, once he lets his mind wander more, his thoughts drift back yet again to when he was younger. where he became tainted, nearly cursed with having to live with it in the back of his mind forever. the times that's made him way too comfortable in middle school and seem so far away during his training. as far as debut goes, he thinks it's done nothing but gotten worse. it sits at the back of his mind as he's distracted by schedules on schedules, waiting for moments where he's surrounded with nothing but his own thoughts and pounces out of the bushes, clouding his mind, and all he can do his take it, because it's really only inside his head. there's no headache, no pain when it's just inside his head. just a pounding ache and wish for it to disappear so he could put it back on the shelf and function properly again.

the way it affects him isn't, or hopefully isn't, quite noticeable. he starts to see one of the practices in his head as he sips his tea, looking down at the water while the night begins to fall. he remembers suddenly feeling someone behind him, touching him in places he wish would just disappear from his body. he can feel hands on him, touching him all over, and he takes one too many stumbles and misses a beat.

hanbin scolds him (which causes junhoe laugh to himself when recollecting the memory) and they restart from the top. normally he'd lose himself in the music and just dance with his members together, like they all share one mind and dance with one body. but whenever things like that happen, he can't will himself to focus as his brain, without his permission (always), plays certain scenes over and over.

it replays them so vividly to the point where he's shifting around uncomfortably waiting for the song to start again, not discarding the odd looks he was getting from the rest of his group but not exactly acknowledging them either.

when the music starts to play again, junhoe has shaken out of it, put it on pause so he can focus on this dance and finally head home. he puts all his will into making this right and doesn't miss everyone's glances at him throughout the song. he misses less beats than he did last time.

hanbin sighs when the song ends and tells them all to head home, and junhoe can recall that hanbin had said "good enough", which had shocked all the members at the time. hanbin never really let anything go until he knew it was perfect, but his ever-observant eyes had noticed junhoe and he'd decided it was best to let them all rest anyway. it was four in the morning, after all.

as he wraps up that dance practice memory, he thinks back to his group mates, how they'd reacted.

he hasn't exactly told them what's happened to him. not that he doesn't trust them, of course, he trusts them with his life and soul. he's only thought way too much into how they'd react. it's the pessimist in him that thinks they'll think he's weird or that it's all in his head.

no one exactly came directly to him after that practice. no one really made the attempt to pry further and junhoe had mixed feelings about that. on one hand, he wants them to stay away and so he was thankful for that. he wants to keep his guard up and keep acting like everything's okay and he's still the sexy, confident, loud junhoe he always is. on the other, he just wants to let everything go. he wants to melt in someone's arms and talk about himself and everything and how he wants to disappear every second of the day and feel like someone cares. it isn't a desire for death, he thinks. it's a desire to not have been alive in the first place. the desire to not feel happy and sad and the more complex emotions and the desire to never have to _live_ at all. that's probably where the out of place part comes from.

he's made up his mind, a little "hmph" to himself leaving his mouth with a nod of his head. when yunhyeong get's here, junhoe's going to spill it all.

there's just something about yunhyeong that makes junhoe feel safe to say whatever's on his mind. something about the way he talks, his caring aura and his bright smile that lets junhoe relax, if only for a little bit, with ease. something about yunhyeong that lets him know he's home.

he's so lost in thought he doesn't realize yunhyeong's been sitting down next to him for the past five minutes and is well surprised when he reaches for his coffee to find out its missing. and being drunk. by song yunhyeong.

junhoe jumped back, startled, and yunhyeong laughs at him once he sets the mug back down. "hi."

"hi, hi hyung." he's never normally so nervous and doesn't know why his heart is beating so fast so he turns back to the water, hoping the streetlights still glistening in the reflection can somehow give him the courage to say what he needs to.

"june," yunhyeong starts, noticing the way junhoe's acting, ever so attentive. his eyes flick down to how junhoe's fingering with the bottom of his shirt then back to the top at junhoe's shivering neck. it was out of character for junhoe to be so nervous about anything. "something wrong?"

deep breaths. he closed his eyes and tried to steady his breath but the only thing they were doing is quickening which wasn't quite helping his case—

"—ne, june just _breathe_." yunhyeong's voice came back into focus and junhoe could feel the older's hand in his, rougher hands clasping his own nearly as rough and slightly shaking ones. he took one larger inhale and exhaled slowly.

"i-i have to tell you something." junhoe finally said once he regained stability, avoiding yunhyeong's eyes that he knew were staring right at him with pinched eyebrows in concern. "please don't think i-i'm weird or anything like that." all the older could do was hum for him to go on.

yunhyeong expected anything but this. he thought junhoe was entrusting him with some odd hobby or small quirk. not something about junhoe that now made so much click into place.

when the first words left junhoe's mouth, yunhyeong couldn't quite figure out how to react.

"i was, uh, sexually, yeah, you know, abused? when i was younger. mhm. yeah." the younger stumbled out, cringing at and hating the sound of the words whenever he said it straight out like that (which, in truth, has only been twice. the first time was to himself, late at night when everyone else had already gone to sleep. the second was, well, now, actually). he peeked up when he felt yunhyeong tense to meet the older's eyes and tried to read them, looking for any disapproval, anything saying yunhyeong thought he was lying.

yunhyeong's first course of action was to pull junhoe in for a hug (he'd start there first so he could have time to recollect his thoughts) and junhoe was so horribly relieved at this. relieved that his thoughts weren't true, that the ounce of hope he had for a positive reaction was worth it.

yunhyeong hugged him like he held the world. his arms were warm and tight around junhoe's torso and junhoe slithered an arm under yunhyeong to wrap it around the older boy. he turned into yunhyeong's chest and, with a last tremble of his lips, began to cry.

he cried until all his fears and his secrets and the weight of the world was lifted off his shoulders. it felt weird to be carrying such a secret that really never needed to be shared but it felt so _wrong_ to have kept this from his group mates for so long. especially if they were going to continue with their careers together.

yunhyeong understood that junhoe needed this. maybe, no, most likely he'll never understand what junhoe had been going through all these years. but he can always try. yunhyeong will make the efforts if no one will because that's who yunhyeong is. he's emotive, he feels immense amounts of sympathy that his groupmates get concerned for him every once in a while whenever he tears up over stupid little things. and if one of his members needs that type of support and understanding? he'll provide it with all his might.

it seemed junhoe would never stop. he just kept going and soon the sun went down and junhoe couldn't see his and yunhyeong's reflections in the water. yunhyeong didn't let go, not even for a brief moment. he seemed to be scared as well, which had junhoe thinking harder while he cried. what was yunhyeong _scared_ of?

"thank you for telling me." were yunhyeong's first words. "thank you for trusting me." were his second. junhoe started tearing up again, opting instead to bury his face into yunhyeong's shoulder, not ready to look at the older's face yet. "i'll be here for you always and give you all the support or space you need, but i'm so endlessly proud of you for saying this to me. you don't have to go through it alone, june ya." he spoke softly, careful with his word choices, rubbing junhoe's back up and down to soothe him. "i care for you too much to let you go through it alone. if there's any way i can help, let me know." yunhyeong felt a soft nod on his shoulder and kissed the top junhoe's head, pulling him in impossibly closer.

a few minutes passed before junhoe's stomach growled and yunhyeong remembered he was supposed to bring junhoe back to the dorms to eat.

"c'mon, i'll make some ramen for you. i'm sure the spicy chicken's gone cold by now."

"we had spicy chicken?!" junhoe exclaimed, suddenly standing up, a sharp turn from his demeanor just minutes earlier. "and you didn't want to tell me first?"

yunhyeong giggled at junhoe, standing up and getting ready to go. "you were sad, june ya. and if i told you then you wouldn't have shared what you did. and i'm not just going to let you be sad, you know that."

"but now i'm hungry," junhoe whined, starting to pull yunhyeong along back to the dorm. it didn't take a genius to figure out junhoe was done with the conversation for now. yunhyeong could press for more another time. "i wanna eat, no time for being sad when i'm hungry."

"fine. i'll heat them both, just for you."

the pair walked through the night on the lit path back to their dorm. yunhyeong with junhoe's cup in his hand and junhoe's hand in the other and junhoe with a blanket on his shoulders and a weight off his shoulders.

that night after dinner, junhoe flopped onto his bed and sighed deeply, his room feeling like comfort rather than a confinement after the earlier moments. he got up and wrote a poem, short and sweet, pouring his thoughts out into words that may never see the light of day again, before getting back into bed. he heard a whisper of an "i love you" and a soft kiss to his head right before he knocked out, courtesy of song yunhyeong if he had to guess.

everything was going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> hiii i was really sad in july LOL so this was a self projection fic that helped me understand my feelings at the time...sorry if u couldnt follow along this was kinda all over the place that was literally how my thoughts were...and now that they’re Back it’s time to Post this thing YEAH! junhoe is my Self Projection crutch in ikon and if u ask me why i cant tell u becuz idk either. this is most likely gonna be rewritten someday, cuz it feels unfinished but i don’t know what to add to it so jus gonna post it. i am self Concious as i post this but uhhhh whatever! also sorry the ending is kinda bad i had no idea how to conclude this
> 
> ps. just know i’m proud of u, whoever n wherever u are right now. ur doing well ♡


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